A common theme in Breastfeeding vs. Formula Feeding debates is the phrase "I couldn't breastfeed". I'd like to know why this is so common. Many sources estimate that less than 2% of women are unable to breastfeed, and many more estimate it is less than 1%. Yet any baby feeding debate will see many women claim they are unable to breastfeed.
I think the main reason is that being unable to breastfeed, and thinking you are unable to breastfeed are very different things. Formula companies, health care professionals and guilt-ridden mothers all perpetuate the myth that breastfeeding is difficult and often fails. How many pregnant women are challenged when they state they will breastfeed? Our culture regularly and routinely tells parents that breastfeeding is likely to fail. So, when hard times hit, women give up, thinking it is hopeless. Sometimes they seek help from GPs and 'Infant Feeding Specialists' - most of whom are woefully inexperienced and highly untrained in the art of breastfeeding support. With the right help and support, I think most women could breastfeed.
Usually, when women are asked about their inability to breastfeed, they become defensive. I think we need to separate emotions from discussion. Without discussion, we cannot learn, and we cannot move forward. If we don't challenge those who say they cannot breastfeed, we are doing a disservice to those vulnerable new mothers who may stop breastfeeding at a low moment, because they know how difficult and futile it can be sometimes.
If you think your chances of success are low, you are automatically setting yourself up for failure. If you believe you can do it, chances are you will. We are slowly learning this lesson with regards to natural birth, and it needs to be extended to breastfeeding.
Why can we not discuss this topic? Why is asking "Did you try X, Y or Z" taken as an attack? I think we need to be able to challenge Women who say they cannot breastfeed. We need to be able to challenge the myth that breastfeeding is difficult. Sure, some women cannot breastfeed, but almost all can. Breastfeeding is a communal business. We are all intertwined, and our experiences and how we talk about that affects others'. Women need to own their choices. If you found breastfeeding difficult and decided it was not worth continuing, own that choice. If you didn't want to breastfeed, own that choice. If you stopped because of poor information/advice, own that choice.
Lactivists are not monsters. We are people who care deeply about infant feeding, about correct information and about promoting breastfeeding. Why are we so often painted by those who formula feed as judgemental, aggressive and harsh? I can see nothing judgement about asking someone about thier feeding choices. There is no judgement involved in asking a woman why she feels she was unable to breastfeed. I have never seen someone tell a formula feeding Mum that they 'Should have' done something, only that they 'Could have'. There is a big different there, but emotions tend to mean the latter is taken as a judgement and as condemnation.
Formula is sometimes necessary. Breastfeeding is almost always possible. To improve breastfeeding rates we need to objectively and unemotionally question the myth of the breastfeeding failure.
Women say they can't breastfeed because they're afraid the outspoken lactivists will jump down their throat otherwise - it's just about the only excuse that seems valid among those types.
ReplyDeleteI know because I've used it myself, and felt ashamed afterward. Yes, I was physically capable of breastfeeding, as are most women. But I couldn't make breastfeeding work, for various reasons - high among them being lack of support and fear of judgment.
And I really don't think you can be un-emotional when it comes to bf'ing - it's an incredibly emotional process, particularly when a mom really wanted to breastfeed and 'couldn't' or to put it in true words - failed.
Of course she's going to say she couldn't! Of course she's going to be emotional about it! She's not really stupid enough to believe that she was physically incapable - she's probably trying to lick her wounds in peace and saying I couldn't is the easiest way to do that sometimes.
There are so many assumptions made about women who formula feed - we're lazy, we just prop the bottle and leave the kid, we're not maternal, we just gave up too soon...I could go on. It's not objective. It's not unemotional.
We don't need to question the myth of breastfeeding failure. We need to question why so many moms feel they need to give that as their reason. We need to question why they would be feeling defensive in the first place. We need to question why the support wasn't there before they felt like giving up, instead of when they're at the point of it, or after they already have.
And if a mom is already feeding with formula, she doesn't need to be told what she could have done unless she asks - otherwise, it doesn't really matter because nothing's changing (it's a pretty rare woman who is actually going to re-lactate), so hearing what she could have done without asking for it IS going to make her feel judged.
Personally, I do want to know what I could have done. I do now understand that I did not have enough support along with various other problems that were part of my failure to breastfeed. I have learned from that mistake and do plan to try breastfeeding with better understanding next time.
But it's something I will probably always be emotional about - that I couldn't give my daughter the best thing for her because of my failure? How could I not be emotional about that? How could I be objective about that? How could I not be defensive around a lactivist who is making the assumption that I am so dumb I actually believe I couldn't physically breastfeed so I'm happy to take that as my excuse - who couldn't look beyond that to the fact that I feel I have no other option but to say that sometimes? Particularly if I want support from the natural parenting community? And how many lactivists do you know who are objective and unemotional about breastfeeding?
I'm sorry for the long comment - I do agree that we need to own our choices. I do own the choice that I made. I do believe for me personally that going to formula was a mistake, but I also know that at the time, I didn't know any other option. And it can be awfully hard to own your decision in certain circles when you know you're going to be judged for it - whether you are bf'ing or ff'ing. Doesn't mean you shouldn't own it - but it's views like this that make it more difficult...
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ReplyDeleteBeautifully said, Kellymseow
ReplyDeleteVery well said. I totally agree that we need to own our own choices.
ReplyDeleteOnly you can make yourself feel guilty and if you are feeling guilty it means you know you've done the wrong thing for you.
kellysmeow, that was well put. thanks for your honesty. if not fro the incredible support of a midwife, husband and my mother i would not have perservered. but i did, because my (hard ass) midwife would not take 'i cant' for an answer.
ReplyDeleteI breastfed for 15months, and pumped for 8 of those months...im a single mom anworking full time...but breastfeeding was hard! At first it was painful and absolutely time consuming, she was at the breast for the majority of the day, I was exhausted! I wanted so many times to switch to formula. Leaking in the middle of work hours, making sure I was wearing clothes suitable to just stof and breastfeed at her demand was a shift as well. Getting up in the middle of the night for over a year was beyond tough. Did I do it all right? No...I made mistakes, even mistakes on my perception of this issue...but all that being said I wouldn't change it. My daughter and I had the most precious moments bonding. She has had a couple of colds and now at 18 months still never had an ear infection or any type of antibiotics. Breastfeeding is a choice, and I believe it is difficult to implement. I would also never ask anyone why they are not breastfeeding, its no ones business. There are other ways to support bf without being intrusive or judgemental. Sorry for the long post, but bf being hard is not a myth.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a first time mom, I tried to breastfeed, however, I couldn't get past the pain. It didn't feel good, it hurt! After talking to the dr., I realized I couldn't breastfeed so after a month of frustration, I gave up. With my second, I was able to breastfeed for at least three months but I dried up anyway. So when women don't breastfeed it isn't always because they don't want to but they do have problems with pain or even infection that won't clear up. There's no judgment about choices some women have to make -often it's a painful decision emotionally and others no matter how strongly they feel should keep that in mind and resist being judgmental about breastfeeding - it's an individual choice and most women I know try very hard - sometimes it just doesn't work out.
ReplyDeleteWhile there is some logic to your argument, the truth is for a woman who has given up breastfeeding despite her wish to breastfeed, it is difficult to remove the emotion from the argument.
ReplyDeleteWhen most women say "I couldn't breastfeed" they probably mean "I couldn't breastfeed successfully". Very few of them mean "I had no milk whatsoever" but instead have issues such as those raised above like pain, low supply etc.
Asking "did you try X or Y" to a woman who has stopped breastfeeding feels like an attack because what benefit is there to that woman pointing out a strategy that might have helped, but can't now that she's given up.
I gave up because I had low supply and my son screamed miserably everytime he was put to the breast as if to say "this empty thing again??". If I got him attached he sucked and sucked and them screamed in hunger. I went to breastfeeding school, I had private lactation consultants, I tried herbal supplements, drugs, diet changes, I tried expressing, double pumping, pumping between feeds, different machines. Everytime someone asks "did you try X or Y", it just adds to my guilt, misery and grief that I was unable to feed my son, that I was unable to have that bonding experience that I dreamed of. It makes me think, just for a moment "perhaps if I had [insert suggestion], I could have", even though I tried everything that was subsequently suggested. Giving up was the right choice for my son, who was much happier and started putting on weight, but it makes me sad and adds to the grief I carry about our rough start.